My response to the article “common relationship mistakes gay men makes”

This is a response to the article

http://revolutionarygaymagazine.tumblr.com/post/45872725589/common-relationship-mistakes-gay-men-make

#Neediness

Neediness or over-neediness causes issues in any relationship, it doesn’t have to between two men. Even neediness between parent and children (maybe from the parent side) make cause issues. Neediness is not unique between two men only; as long as one side or both sides have unrealistic expectation coupled with fairy romance ideology, its a deal breaker over the long term. Everything is very rosy at the start with all these neediness for sure because it probably an important part of bonding, but beyond an expiry date, neediness can become a drag.

#arguing

Again this is not the domain for gay men. Any relationship that thrives on argument and worst violence is due for an overhaul. Need we even say more?

#being with someone for comfort

For me this is not necessary a deal breaker, as long as this has been communicated. Sure, there may not be “true love” between the sugar daddy and the other guy, but this doesn’t mean it cannot be a meaningful or lasting relationship. If this is what both wants and they are realistic about it, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker… until the richer one dies…. lol

#going to club together

Everyone is an adult and knows what going to club means and there are couples who just like to enjoy the company of friends at the clubs. Sure there are some eye candies (depends on where you go), but why be so anal about what your partner can or cannot see? If everyone acts like adults and knows their boundaries, even some crazy drunken sensuality between friends or even strangers can be accepted without getting jealous or into a fight. The author sounds more like someone who have lost plenty of partners in clubs, which explains his aversion.

#putting relationship status on FB

This only a probably for us friends who have to keep up with the changing relationship statuses of some people every 2 weeks or so. What is wrong with putting relationship status on FB? Sure if your partner doesn’t want to, you cannot force him. Having putting relationship status broken relationships? Sure there are, but at the same time there are many couples who were not affected by it. The author’s logic on this is a bit flawed and weak to say the least.

#not allowing your boyfriend to go out with friends

This is probably the most agreeable of them all.

#open relationship

My biggest disagreement is with this. The author falls into the trap of trying to make gay relationship hetero-nominative AKA internalize homophobia. To the author, only the hetero model of monogamous will ever work for a relationship. Anything beyond that is a mistake.  Human needs and desires and identity are so varied that something still surprises me. Open relationship serves its purposes in some relationship, but in some it probably breaks, for sure I don’t deny that. The key to keeping open relationship working is that both parties must be comfortable with the idea, it will not work even if both agrees on it, but one side actually prefers monogamous. Communications and boundaries are very important. In some, the couples talk about their encounters, in others they don’t. In some, they can do it outside the country but not in the same state or country. Others only do it when one party is not around, while some actively look for 3somes or 4somes or more to make it more exciting. So even in an open relationship model, there is a variety of arrangements. Open relationship is not suitable for everyone and, initially, issues like jealousy or possessiveness can arise, these need to be communicated. Furthermore, there can be separation between love, lust and commitment. Some people cannot separate these 3 spheres of desires and hence open relationship will not work. Just like any other relationship, its all about communications, trust and maturity at the end of the day, open or not.

Posted on 26 March, 2013, in Equality. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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